fullmoon_goddess

alone.

i dont mind being alone. its no big deal. i learned to embrace it as if a pillow that is so fresh and really huggable. being alone doesnt bother me that much. most of the time, im ok with it. spending 19 (well, almost 20, in a few days) years alone will get you to be used to it. (ok, im not that alone for everyone's point of view. i know.) but for me, it's kinda dfferent.

its hard most of the time. to be quiet. to look so cool and unattached. to control those damn emotions so well that i really look stoned upfront when all i want to do is weep and cry or at least shout my heart out. to be able to control your tongue when you want to curse the people around you. to always stop and think of what to do next. its kinda hard you know. but, whew! i got the tune and dance around it gracefully.

but still. that hidden bottle inside is ready to outburst when the wrong (or sometimes, right) buttons are pushed. it is ready to pour when set aside and kicked around. it wants to just let go and damn with the consequences when some people just keep on stomping that poor-overused-overflowing bottle.

smiles. im replacing those emotions with a lot of smiles. or maybe a lot of silence this past few days. weeks actually. i've been awfully quiet. trying to work my feelings out. on the process of learning how to not-care. learning double time the go-to-hell attitude. memorizing the the-hell-with-you subject.

im not that down as the image you are already portraying in your mind. talk to me and you won't even have a clue that im down. see me and im as ok as i can be. i'll laugh with anyone. i'll be crazy with someone. but at the end of the day, it all comes back to being alone. in the coldness of the night. with the stars and a moon on my head. with the comfort only my used pillows can bring. with boys night out on the background radio, a nora roberts book at hand, i'll sleep my loneliness away.

Musica: fuck you right back :: frankee
Bookworm: multiply account
Mood Swings: alone-ness

how do you shove someone out of your life without breaking your own heart? without causing yourself to bleed to death? without cutting you very own blood lines? what kind of strategy can you give?

im just too tired. too f***ing tired to do this again. my mind's all shut down already. it's closed. yeah. it's being purely selfish and irrational. but the hell. i want my mom. i want my mom. i want my mom. i want ONLY my mom.

no one else. i want my mom with me to go on with this stress'. just my mom. i dont want nobody. i dont want no one. just her.

but the truth is she left me believing that her own daughter is a strong person. i dont back down to others opinions and point of views even if mine contradicts their own. even if they now branded me as an official pain in the ass. blacksheep. hard headed. narrow minded. stubborn. awful thinker. just starters from a list of heart-breaking-mind-bugging words.

yes. im already immune to these kind of words. but coming from someone you love doesnt lessen the pain it carries. no matter how many times you heard it and accepted it. it still carves another scar on your collection of old ones in your heart and soul. actions hurt me. but words hurt me more. i bleed for those. i live for those.

i guess it's the other way around. i guess im the one who's not moving on. is it a possibility? that im the one who's stuck in the past? (gosh. writing this part brings water out of my body) that im the one who still want the past? is that it? is that why i can't bloodily accept anyone? could that be it? i never considered it before. but it popped in my head right now. maybe that's it. maybe that why im so stubborn and hard headed and close minded. is that why i dont want anyone except my mom? please just tell me the truth. tell it straight to my face so that i can absorb it. so that i can work on it. somebody just tell me what the hell is wrong with me. why do people call me selfish when all i want to do is protect my mom. protect my dead mom. oh my god. I AM STUCKED. all this time. i thought i was the one who's ahead of everyone in terms of moving on. i was the ideal strong one. i was the one who doesnt cry for shallow reasons. i was the one who has a lot of control when dealing with my own emotions. i was the one who stayed strong for my family in the eyes of everyone. but you're wrong. they're wrong. everyone's wrong. I AM STUCKED. i live in memories. they surround my world. maybe that's why i don't want anyone. maybe that's why im too hard on other girls.

can anyone blame me? yes. i know. some will. but they're just my age! a few months older but still my age. i dunno what to think. i dont know what's right and what's not. it's just that im so down. im really really down. and i just cant afford to screw things up right now. i cant afford to be affected. not now when im close to finishing my damn studies. please not now. 

Mood Swings: DOWN

fullmoon_goddess

at last tapos na ang prelims! at ang feasib paper ay naipasa na! hahahaha. at least pahinga muna for the mean time.

so, WANTED: mall-buddy. chill-out-friend. movie-date! anyone! hahaha. chill with me. laugh with me. cuddle with me! hahha

Musica: real thing :: kalapana
Mood Swings: relaxed...for now

honestly, that's a TYPO right there in your face. hahaha. i was chatting with a guy classmate and that word was supposed to be for him since we're joking around. and since im chatting with multiple persons at the same time, that's what i ended up with. a TYPO and suddenly accusations we're all thrown at me.


really. i still find it funny. hahaha. i even smile when i remember that incident and the FAST feedbacks and reactions i got.


WOW. same old people. hahaha. same old attitudes. same old reactions. same old way of thinking.


too bad. i wont miss a wink because of this incident. what's this? yes, i consider this an accident. its just funny how you get judged really FAST by people because they we're hurt by something you didnt even know you did.


talk about maturity.


anyway, that's ok. im actually not much in a shock when i found out the TYPO and considered it the reason for you being BITTER and cold. well, unless my instincts are wrong, i really think that's the reason why somebody's feeling really BITTER around.


hahaha. still feeling funny. i hope this clears the air. your air. since mine is fine and not feeling angry towards you. that's pretty much it. i hope you read this. just in case.

Musica: dont worry be happy :: bob marley
Mood Swings: funny

hmmm. what the hell should i write when im at school?

too bad i cant check my friendster and multiply account here. im excited to check it pa naman due to new messages from some people. hahaha. so, they finally decided to react. hmmmm. im curious. i wonder if its another accusation or violent reaction from what i posted before. hmmmmm.

cant think of anything to blog about. till next time!

Musica: people typing and whispering
Mood Swings: thirsty

leche. ang hirap mag-exam mag-isa tlaga! syet. lalo na kung kahit nag-aral ka ng mabuti, mahirap tlaga magbigay ng exam ang prof. haaaay. yaan ku na. xe sacrifice exam tlaga un. kahit bagsak nga, tatanggapin ko at least may score kesa naman zero.

eto ay dedicated sa pinsan ko na si niña

pinsan. woman. friend. joker. camwhore. ARCHITECT.

yes. another architect for our clan. next to kuya, niña's also going to be a professional. i believe in you dear. you can do it. you can do this. WE, your family believe in your capabilities, your perseverance and passion in doing all those works only future architects can understand. don't lose hope. don't stop believing in yourself and your abilities. we're here for you. imagine, your parents are also being supportive, vocal and showy now that they know you need them. they are expressing their faith and belief in you. yes, i know you're not close to them. you're both not showy when it comes to emotions. but i know that they're thinking of you. they even told me that they're actually worried if you're eating on time or if you're even eating at all. or if you're sleeping or crying. so, don't lose hope now. that's all we have. hope, faith and perseverance. :D

kaya mu yan! de castro ka kaya! love you.

Mood Swings: sleepy

Musica: is it you :: cassie
Mood Swings: blank