fullmoon_goddess

in my own world, you dont exist. that's it. you dont stand a "dot chance" to exist. you're dead, man. i dont know you, i dont care about anything you do or what you say, i just dont give a f*** about you. oh, yeah. this is good.

my own world is not that much different from the reality im living in. i think the major difference is that you dont exist. i can be a mean b**** sometime if i want to. and i want to be right now. hahahaha.

so, is that bad that i dont want you in my life? yes, at least im not denying that its bad. :D i know you're already a part of most of my friends' world. well, at least in my own, you're not. and that's it. just stating some facts. before, yes, you occupy half a dot space. yet, lately, i decided (finally) to erase your excuse of a space in my world. so, i dont know anyone named like you. im sorry, i dont know you, what's your f***ing name again? (i erased you already dude. )

hmmmm. nwei, been so busy due to feasib. and my dad was even saying, "what kind of paper is this? that's not your line! you should have enrolled to a different course to make that one! this is a huge joke. a bullshit." well, he didnt say the last 2 words. though that was really flying in my head and i know his' head too. hahaha. cool.

Musica: big girls dont cry :: fergie
Bookworm: editing the feasib paper
Mood Swings: in serious pain

routine

Noun

routine

1. A course of action to be followed regularly; a standard procedure
2. A set of normal procedures, often performed mechanically
3. A set piece of an entertainer's act

Adjective

routine

1. According to established procedure
2. Regular; habitual
3. Ordinary with nothing to distinguish it from all the others

do i have to put regular and habit as well?

oh well, ok.

regular

Adjective

regular

1. with constant frequency or pattern.
2. normal; ordinary
3. obeying rules
4. (grammar) (of a verb, plural, etc) following a set or common pattern
5. frequent or common

habitual

Adjective

Habitual

1. behaving in a regular manner, as a habit.
2. recurring, or that is performed over and over again.
3. being regular or usual.

Mood Swings: cold

fullmoon_goddess

im a family oriented lady. being an only child of the only girl in the family of boys and the baby boy of all, (gets?) i grew up alone and independent. i am quiet. i do things by myself. i keep all emotions and feelings bottled and sealed inside. but i am a superb listener. a faithful friend. and a loyal family member.

the only girl in the family of boys left and kept us all broken. well, specially me since i have no one to confide on. no one to tell my lousy jokes and yet still laugh at it. no one to scream at about taking medicines on time. i am alone again. before she left, she taught me to be more open and how to appreciate and be close to my family. our family. she told me to love them despite of their flaws because since im an only child, i dont have a real shoulder and hand to have when difficult times come. they are the ones i can run to. they are the ones who can help and accept me. i learned to do just that.

they loved her. everybody loved the only girl. and so, being the only child of the only girl, they loved me as well. advantages of being just one is that they're (im) not a hassle to have at home, to eat or anywhere, anytime, since im just, ONE. everybody accepted me. they adopted me as a part of their own pamilya. im an extension. i get to eat anywhere and sometimes they all ask me to eat again and again. not just those shallow reasons. but they just treat me as, well, as yummy said it, a princess. not the bitch and spoiled one. just a plain princess. special.

i feel blessed and happy that i have them. i know. my kuyas are a real pain in the ass when it comes to a lot of things. my other cousins are shocking and dissapointing. my tito's and tita's have their own ups and downs. even my lola's so makulit at times. but still, i can cope. i can love. i can smile. facing the world is a lot way easier with them beside me. with them making me laugh over their crazy antics. with them caring so much for my health and everything. i feel really loved and very much appreciated. i never felt alone and homeless. they are the source of strength and happiness. even when i tend to disregard my own health and abuse my physical body, they are the ones who screams and yell at me. they are the ones angry and pushing me to follow for my own safety.

i was touched when they all scolded me for having this bump for over 5 years and yet not going to the hospital for a check up. i was touched when i always have something to "take home" after going from one house to another. i was touched when everyone asked me if i already ate and offered their own house for me to dine in. im not hard to please. seeing their care makes me feel real special and making me feel special makes me feel loved.

yes. everyone of them is important. regardless of what side. regardless of their faults. i value them all. i simply love them. mi pamilya, mi amore.

Mood Swings: loved

hmmmm. had a super typhoon egay that classes were suspended again and again and again. hahaha. very good! specially that we were supposed to have investment and taxation then asian focus and strama (strategic marketing) the next day. whew!

went to robinsons galleria with my SALE-mate phoebe. hahaha. why sale-mate? hmmm. i always seem to bump on her every mall sale. and that means everywhere. hahaha. because of that my dad labeled her as my sale-mate. cool huh. eventhough its raining and there's still a storm, we went to the mall and looked for things. we were dissapointed to see that only selected stores were on sale. so, we went to megamall. whew! it seems that there's more people in megamall! hahaha. so, we looked for clothes. she managed to buy shorts and i tried for a skirt but it's too skimpy! hahaha/ and that means TOO skimpy as hell. so, all in all i just bought two pair of earings, a cross and a dolphin.

phoebe decided to bring home some doughnuts. i love the manager of krispy kremes doughnut at the megamall branch. he's so generous in giving away free hot doughnuts to their customers. so she bought half a dozen original glazed doughnuts. and we both got our share of free hot doughnuts. when we're about to go home, i realized that i'll take some doughnuts at home too. so we went back to the store and told them my order. the manager, still gave us our free doughnuts! hahaha. phoebe even went to my back to hide but the manager insisted even if we were coming back for our second round. i love him! hahaha. two free doughnuts!

how can you conceal the anger you are feeling? the dissapointment? the hurt? towards some incidents of life? some facts and realities that settles in. towards somebody.

ive been through this. been there, done that. and now, how come im facing this kind of situation all over again?

im a self confessed impatient lady. i dont like to wait because of the feelings it brings me. i dont like to wait because it makes me feel stupid and it makes the time move real slow. and the fact that you dont even know if what you're waiting for will come is irritating enough. and worse, you dont have a clue if they're actually worth the wait. that's why i dont wait. oh, let me correct myself, i barely wait. i choose the people and incidents that i waste my time to, knowing that i'll get what i waited for. but with the situation at hand, i just dont have a f***ing choice. i have to wait. and i am openly saying that i hate it. but how come im not doing anything to resolve that? *sigh* no clue at all. i didnt consider that before, but im really thinking about it now. im weighing the consequences if i end this sweet agony. i violated some of my beliefs. knowing my own set of standards and rules. maybe i enjoyed the company too much. the friendship that formed beyond the exchange of words and personal views as well. the lending of ear at the end of the day to listen to my nags and nonsense stories.

they're all the same. armed with the typical attitude, point of views, stories, charm and excuses. all the same. with their art to create a lie just like everybody else. i know my judgement may be to cloudy when i wrote this but i have to at least let it out. allow me to use the words i see is fit with its right meaning. i wont settle for simple misuse of words because others might misinterpret it.

how come when i feel happy about something this always seem to happen? i hate our status. it gives me no right at all. and yet you can always settle for something towards me. while i restrain myself to demand anything because of our status imprinted boldly and blinking with neon lights in my head, you on the other hand doesnt seem to care and act as if there's something there. you continue to act as if what we have is typical and normal just like the others we see everywhere. have you forgotten? or did you choose to neglect it and put it aside for some time in order to indulge some of your selfish feelings? yes. selfish. lets face reality that's on our hands and forget for the moment our surreal dreams. this arrangement is inclined to your benefit and happiness. why did i go with it? because i didnt think first. because i became a friend first. because i crave attention, time and care which you happily and generously supplied.

im thinking about this. i dont believe on making a move on impulse. i think maybe you're not worth the effort and the wait. but i wonder how can i end this without inflicting some damages to myself too? without feeling vulnerable and naked? then i remembered my motto. my goal towards this. CASUAL. so, maybe i got sidetracked for a moment or two. being this dissapointed diesnt mean that i lost the battle. no. no feelings to confess yet. just nerves and normal irritation of being taken for granted and a little of feeling betrayed from the shadow of my mind.

Musica: far cry :: rush
Mood Swings: unknown.