i'm sorry. i simply can't keep up with you. i don't know. i had this feeling that i cannot keep up with you anymore. it's hard and to tell you the truth, i really hate it too. i'm trying my very best to keep up my head and heart with yours. but my mind's screaming that "you're becoming different" "you're acting really weird" and most of all, "you're changing". that's it. i'm not pretty good at changes. i act really slow in coping up with it. because i hate it when the people i love change and i am left at one corner. i despise and hate the fact that i'm starting to lose them because i can't keep up with their "newself". that's why i decided to back-off. don't worry. i'm still here. will always and forever be here. for now, just wandering around and taking time to fix my own self. i'm always available for you. and you know that. im just steps away, streets away, miles away. yeah, miles away. ask me why? simple.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 because i'm hurting.

and i'm bleeding to death. 

Mood Swings: sad

i was really touched yesterday. i had the exam for my completion and i was really shaking because if i fail there, i'll fail for sure! no discussions and questions asked! i was really  doing and giving my very very best and concentrated  on the exam even if the other professors were telling jokes and laughing out loud and some of the basketball players also dropped by. while i was answering, my former professor in math came. i have nothing against her because she's so mabait. sa sobrang bait nia, wala akung natutunan sa calculus! hahaha. nwei, here it goes.

ma'am ferrer: *looks at me. smiles.* Diana?

yang: *looked up and returned the smile* ma'am.

ma'am ferrer: ano yan?

yang: test po. incomplete po xe ku eh *smiles*

ma'am ferrer: *straighten up, serious mode* KAYA MU YAN.

yang: *smile widely with almost tears in the eyes*

i was really touched! she's not my favorite professor because i didn't learn anything from her. my classmates even told me that they got low grades than what they expected due to their performance. but at that very moment, she became my strength. my angel. she delivered the perfect words to me. the words i badly needed to hear. i wasnt expecting to hear it from her because i ususally ignore her. but now, she became the medium to balance me. to keep my faith going and going. to never stop believing not only to myself but also to GOD. thank you ma'am ferrer. from my very wounded soul which you touched with just simple words, i thank you. you're such an angel. i believe so. thank you. you can make me cry.

pray for me to pass that  exam. please people. pray.

Gawd! D-day tomorrow! heeeelllllppppppp! the nerves are cracking again. i really hope it would be good. i did my best in that exam. really. i really wished that's the end. got a promise if i passed. i intend to keep it. just let me slipped through. let me pass and do better. please.

no. im not talking about Bayani Fernando here.

and no. im not talking about boyfriends either.

im thinking of a guy i really miss. i didn't realize how much i miss him until lately. he has a name of course. it's...

RICTOR PALENTINOS.

he was a classmate when i was in my first year high school. though, we were schoolmates since elementary, we didn't talk much. barely said a word to each other. until of course, when we became classmates. he's quiet. i am quiet. he looks really serious but he's really funny and irritating and he's good at academics. so all in all, he's okay. haha. an understatement.

we we're still not talking at first. we belong to different set of friends. just one day, we just talked (and i can't even remember how it all started). we got close and enjoyed each other's company. he tells me his secrets and we talk a lot on the phone. believe me, i really mean a lot! he's the first guy who i talked to that much on the phone! i liked him. yes. i likeD him.

then i learned that he like my friend. i was sad but it didn't actually broke my heart since i just like him. (still on the process of developing...). so i told him that she still has a boyfriend which happens to be one of our classmates too. he just waited and eventually when they broke up, he started to court my friend. i was doing okay and i was a friend to both of them. i'm happy to help them anyway i can.

he would call me first before calling my friend to check on her. (they're not legal to the girl's family)  so i would in turn, call my friend and ask if he can call. most of the time, we're the one who talks longer because of the strict parents of my friend. he would tell me what they talked about and everything. we would talk for hours and hours. there came a time that he even sang on the phone! it was hilarious (at that time) for me. he said that since he can't sing to his girlfriend at the moment, he'll jut sing for me.  we became super close, as in close-tight.

but unfortunately, he have to leave the country with his family. i was super sad because just when we started to be okay and close, he have to leave. we would talk almost every night, and his mom usually cuts us off. hahaha. then he broke up with my friend since he doesn't want her to hold her feelings when he was away. they got off nicely and remained okay. then the worst day came and he left.

i was sad for weeks. i miss him. i miss his corny jokes. i miss our long talks. i even miss his pang-aasar!

just one weekend, the phone rang. i answered it to be anwered back by a strange voice of a man who asked for me. i was like, "yes, who are you?" he laughed and asked if i didn't recognized him. my brows lifted, and said another name. guessing if i was right. he then told me he was Rictor. calling long distance! i couldnt believe my ears! i asked about a dozen questions starting if he was okay to what's his address. we talked and talked and i still can't believe it! he told me that he will be calling her ex (my friend) after we talked. i told him that he's crazy and that he should've called her first! after some minutes, we bid our goodbyes and take cares and he told me that he'll call again soon.

i was super duper happy to be able to connect to him again! and he called for the net weekend, and the next. my mom would even wake me up if he called because she knew it's a long distance call and that i am waiting for it every week! my friend asked me what we talked about since she misses him too. i got guilty because she and rictor didn't have long conversations since his card would usually cut them because he would call me first and what's left for her was just 5-10 mins.

what i realized after that was how important he is. maybe i lost him as a potential boyfriend but i know for sure that i got him as my first best guy friend. funny we didn't talk about it. i guess that's how best friends start. no date to remember and no "i'm-your-best-friend-you're-my-best-friend" declarations and promises. you both just know and feel it inside you. i felt important that he would call me first and ask for news. not because he likes me but i think because we consider ourselves, as an important very special close friend. best friend in other words.

so the bf title is not a boyfriend i miss but more important than that. a best friend that's really close to my heart and whom i'm missing so much. i hope i can get in touch with him soon.

MR. RICTOR PALENTINOS, if you're somewhere out there how about paying me a visit or a ring? i've got lotsa news and coddles for you and for you only.

Mood Swings: melancholy